I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
