My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
