How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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