I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
