as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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