I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
