I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
