Moan for me like Helen Keller
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
