some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
