idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
