i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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