I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
This show inspires me to have sex in space
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
