Already got asked if we're dating
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
two words...techno handjob
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
