That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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