ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
