Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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