Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
