I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
