Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
