my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
