My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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