omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
