Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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