i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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