You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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