The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
