I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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