Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
