I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
the day after is always just damage control
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
