no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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