Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
