We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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