Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
