I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
