The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
