Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
