you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
