Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
NoShamevember. You game?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
