He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
