Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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