How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
