i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
