I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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