just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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