It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
