I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
