Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
