after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
