I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
