I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Still dying that you shit outside
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
